Liberal Fantasies, Part I
Tuesday, September 5th, 2006Editor’s Note: We’ve all heard the liberals in Congress and the media make less than insightful suggestions and criticisms regarding the War on Terror and the War in Iraq. This series aims to demonstrate why these suggestions are such obviously bad ideas.
NEGOTIATING WITH OSAMA
The scene is a small village just inside the border of Pakistan. In a small building in the middle of the village, a small group of people have gathered in a room. Most of the space in the room is taken up by a large table, with four chairs on each side. On one side the United States Secretary of State, The Deputy Secretary of State, the Secretary of Defense and the Commander of the Joint Chiefs of Staff sit quietly. On the other side, Osama bin Laden and three of his aids sit quietly. As the clock strikes 10:00 a.m., the session begins:
Secretary of State Rice: Gentlemen, we are here today to see if we can’t avoid bloodshed on a massive scale by agreeing to a framework to resolve the differences between us. Mr. bin Laden, exactly what would it take for your people to stop pursuing jihad against the West?
Osama bin Laden: The entire population of the West would have to convert to Islam. Then, all females would have to start dressing and acting according to Islamic law. Also, all of the men would have to grow beards. Then, maybe, we could consider calling off the jihad.
Rice: Mr. bin Laden, that would be quite impossible. Surely you must realize that in the West, people enjoy freedom of religion and are allowed to worship as they see fit?
OBL: Shut up, woman! Where is your burkah? Why are you even speaking? How dare you speak without asking permission! Ahmed, behead her at once!
Ahmed pulls out a long sword and quickly removes the head of the Secretary of State.
Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld: Okay, now that is enough! No more beheadings!
OBL: Sorry, I lost my head for a moment. HA! I just kill me!
Rumsfeld: Okay, now clearly we’re all going to have to give up something in order for this to work. Mr. bin Laden, if the West was prepared to allow you to develop nuclear energy for peaceful purposes, what would you do in return?
OBL: I would guarantee that your deaths would be painless and quick.
Rumsfeld: Come on, Mr. bin Laden, here we all are sitting at the negotiating table trying to work out a resolution to our differences, and all you can do is threaten to kill us all. Can’t you be more constructive?
OBL: No. Islam dictates that all infidels must die. There can be no compromise in this. In order for the jihad to end, you must all convert to Islam or you must all die.
Rumsfeld: You don’t think that the entire Western world is going to…
Suddenly Ahmed jumps up and beheads Rumsfeld with a single swipe of his giant sword, and Rumsfeld’s heads bounces off of the wall behind the table.
OBL: Any questions?
Conservatives have known for a long time that you can not negotiate with terrorists. Terrorists are not reasonable people, therefore you can not treat them reasonably. To do so is to guarantee defeat for freedom and democracy. The aim of the terrorists is to kill Western civilization or convert it to Islam; there is no middle ground. The terrorists will continue to blow up innocent people while they go about their daily routines because that is what they love to do. There is only one way to stop them, and that is to eliminate them from the face of the Earth. Why can’t liberals understand this? Why do they constantly try to tie the hands of our armed forces and our Commander-in-Chief and prevent them from doing all that they can to defend us?
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