The LARK Program
Friday, January 28th, 2005Apparently, some people feel that we are not treating the detainees in Cuba with the proper respect and deference for their cultural beliefs. So, Donald Rumsfeld has started a new program to remedy the situation:
The White House
1600 Pennsylvania Avenue
Washington, D.C., 20016
Dear Concerned Citizen:
Thank you for your letter criticizing our treatment of Taliban and Al Qaeda detainees currently housed at Guantanamo Bay, Cuba. Our Administration takes these matters seriously, and your opinion was heard loud and clear here in Washington.
You’ll be pleased to learn we are creating a new arm of the Terrorist Retraining Program. Its name: “Liberals Accept Responsibility for Killers� program, or LARK. In accordance with the guidelines we have decided to place a terrorist under your personal care. Your detainee has been selected and scheduled for transportation under armed guard to your residence next Monday.
Ali Mohammed Ahmed bin Mahmud, (call him Ahmed), is to be cared for pursuant to the standards you demanded in your letter of admonishment. You may find necessity to hire some assistant caregivers. We will conduct weekly inspections to ensure that your quality of care for Ahmed are commensurate with those you so strongly recommend in your letter.
Ahmed is sociopath and extremely violent. We hope that your sensitivity to what you described as an “attitudinal problem� will help him overcome these character flaws. Perhaps you are correct in describing these deficiencies as mere cultural differences. He may bite, kick or scratch you, given the chance. We understand that you plan to offer counseling and home schooling.
Your live-in terrorist is extremely proficient in hand-to-hand combat. He can extinguish human life with items as simple as a pencil or nail clippers. We suggest you not ask him to demonstrate these skills at your next yoga group. He is expert at making various explosive devices from common household products. You may wish to keep those items locked up, unless of course (in your opinion), this might offend him.
Ahmed will not wish to interact with your wife or daughters (except sexually), as he views females as subhuman forms of property. This is a particularly sensitive subject for him. He has been known to show violent tendencies around women who fail to comply with the new dress code he will recommend as appropriate attire. I’m sure they will come to enjoy the anonymity offered by the bhurka, in due time. Remind them it is part of “respecting his culture and religious beliefs”, wasn’t that how you put it?
Thanks again for your letter. We truly appreciate folks like you, who know so much, keeping us informed of the proper way to do our job. Take good care of Ahmed, remember…we’ll be watching. Good luck!
Cordially,
Donald Rumsfeld
I think I should have placed a drink alert at the top of this post!
Hat Tip: Cao’s Blog
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